Birthday Celebrations- Part 2

On his actual birthday things went a little different than we had planned. We had the older kids go to school, Shane went to work, but Sophie was off track. We had planned to meet Shane for lunch and then go to the movies but Soph started not to feel well and didn't want to go out. We started the morning with some sweet texts and messages on Facebook. Then I heard the dogs barking and peeked out the window to see Catrina and Riann hanging up the balloons. We were so touched I couldn't even go out and talk to them. Shane brought us home some lunch and I finally talked Soph to go to the movies. I just didn't want to sit home all afternoon. That unfortunately backfired and she was so worn out she stayed in our bed most of the night. (She ended up with the flu and very sick the rest of the week) We had some some sweet visitors and deliveries. We were very touched by the love and support that day. My sister Carrie, her husband Brad and daughter Gracie came over before dinner. I had asked Carrie a couple of months ago if she would help me turn Harry's shirts into blankets for the kids. We were going to do it for Christmas but then it became too much. She thought maybe she could have the tops done by his birthday but then it all came together. She spent hours working on them and they turned out amazing. The include his jerseys, t-shirts, pajamas and sheets. All things that brought sweet memories to mind for all of us. She even turned two shirts into pillows for Max and Jack's birthday. (Jack's was an angry bird t-shirt Harry bought just to wear to Jack's Angry Bird party last year and Max's was the shirt he bought for his Mario party. He always said it reminded him of the year that he and Max dressed up as Mario and Yoshi for Halloween.) We didn't make it out for dinner but got Chinese food and watched a movie together. It never goes as planned, but none of this was what we had planned.

Birthday Celebrations

Shane and I talked at length on how we wanted to handle Harry's birthday. It is very hard to not get caught up in these special days and as much as we wanted to celebrate his life and how much he meant to us, we don't want to create situations where we get so hung up on a specific day. That is super hard on the kids and hard on us. We decided to split it up a little bit. Harry was a kid who loved his birthday and loved a good party. If he could choose anything else (other than spending time with his family-which was a gratitude he would mention on a regular basis) he would want to be with his friends. They are such a huge part of his life and he would think it would be the coolest thing in the world to not only have them over, but their families. He loved all the big brothers and was especially fond of Gwen and Connor. He could easily talk to the adults and had a funny way about it. He would have loved that night. I had bought a couple of new Skylanders and the new Skylander Giants game so the kids could play. The boys brought over their Just Dance games (a game that Harry introduced them to. They will one day thank him for their new found dancing skills). We ordered pizza, had the chocolate fountain and just hung out. It was a good night.

Sophie's 1st Dance Competition

Sophie had her first dance competition today. Very different from soccer tournaments! She is such a sweet, sweet girl. She has had to grow up so much and this class has been hard. She is the youngest on the team and most of the girls are 11-12. But she goes, and tries and loves to perform. I got choked up watching her smile and shine today. She is our little sunshine!

Sweethearts Ball-Mady's 1st Dance

What a fun day! Though it is always a bit of work (and the planner in me tends to take things a little too far) it turned out to be a wonderful day and in hindsight I am so glad we hosted parts of it. That way I got a behind the scenes look on what was going on. They were a great group of kids (minus the flour fight in my newly cleaned kitchen) and laughed and talked all day. We had them over in the afternoon and they cooked up some homemade pizzas, made up cookies and frosted them and played games. Then they all went and got ready and came back for a sit down dinner of Cafe Rio. Then they left for the dance and ended up at Caitlyn's house for a chocolate fountain and a movie. Mady was just lovely. Her date Ripken is a good friend so it was nice to go with someone she was so comfortable with (and he was handsome as well). This dating/teenage life isn't so scary!

Tidal Waves

The hardest thing about high functioning weeks is that when the grief finally hits you, and it always does, it is like a tidal wave and it knocks you right off of your feet. It had been a good week. Got Sophie back to school, kids busy but doing better by all intents. Survived a few crazy days. Worked hard, got my homework done before the weekend. I actually exercised 4 days in a row. Had all those balls in the proverbial air and wasn't dropping them. And then Friday came... I actually was up early, exercised before I even got Soph off, came back, surprised Davin and took him to breakfast before school. Felt like I was being a good mom. And then the heaviness came, wrapping around my heart and squeezing it tight. I left to run to Costco, which is when I usually try to go. As I passed Eastlake my heart was so heavy. I kept thinking, I wish I had to rush back from Costco and get him to school for early day. I wish I was looking back at his goofy grin, wiping pizza off his face (that he had to eat on the road because we were running behind- though he and Max always preferred the tables with the umbrellas). I wish he was climbing out of the truck, me watching every movement and waiting for it. That moment when I would catch his eye and say, "I love you bud. Have a good day." He always, always said he loved me. He almost always looked back. I always waited until he was safe, inside the fence. Many days I stayed and watched him play until they called them in. It is a tidal wave and today I am drowning.

Tough Days and Tender Mercies

While Sophie was off track I had scheduled some appointments for her. She had been diagnosed with reflux in her right kidney last February. We talked then with the urologist about doing a procedure to fix it when she tracked off or in the summer time. And then everything happened and we just put it off. The Dr had given that as an option (not doing the procedure immediately, but seeing if there had been improvement) but Soph had so much anxiety about it that we had planned at the time, on just getting it done to prevent it from getting worse but it never happened. With her health concerning us so much lately we went ahead and scheduled follow up appointments for this week. I was just taking her, but as the day approached my anxiety over it got worse and worse. Her appointments were to be held at Primary Children's. We didn't even tell her until the night before so she wouldn't worry. I was amazed. She wasn't happy about it, but she was calm, went to bed and even got up on her own. (I on the other hand had been up since 4:00 am) We got to the hospital and she had to have the test done first (they catheterized her and then shot dye and saline through her urethra tubes to see if the urine goes back up into the bladder). Not fun. Yet again, I was amazed. She was calm, she talked to the techs, no hesitation and got it done. We then were supposed to go up and meet with the urologist and go over the results. The technician walked us out he took us the back way. My heart just stopped as I recognized where we were. We passed by this small waiting room where nine months ago, Shane and I sat, waiting, praying for a miracle. It was in the middle night and we were the only ones there. They had taken Harry in for an MRI to see if there was any sign of brain activity so we would know how to proceed. I couldn't even sit on the chair, my body was so exhausted. Shane offered a prayer and we were calmed as we waited. When the doctor came out, I knew by the look on his face that it was not good news. There was nothing there. At that point the kids and our families had been waiting for answers. I will never forget those moments. The look of disbelief on Mady's face. I could hardly look Davin in the eye and I just held Sophie as the reality of the night sunk in for everyone. So here we are, all this time later, walking past this space. It would have just crushed me if I hadn't had Sophie to think about. We waited for a bit and went to our appointment. The urologists office was located right at the end of the ICU hallway. It's a big hospital. We had to be in those two exact spots? But again, my brave, sweet child was kept unaware of the turmoil I was going through. And miracle of miracles, her reflux had completely improved, no signs of it, no immediate concerns, no procedure. She was so relieved. So was I. Grateful for a little good news to come out of a visit there. So we raced out to the District to celebrate and caught a showing of our new favorite movie, Les Miserables. I know, not hugely appropriate for 9 year old girls, but she closed her eyes on all the questionable parts and enjoyed the rest. She has the whole thing memorized. What a girl, what an amazing, brave girl.

Off Track

Sophie has been off track these last couple of weeks. I personally have always looked forward to these breaks. I get burned out with the day to day rush of school life that I need a break as well. (though that is not to say I don't like sending them back) This year is very different. Now when we have these breaks, it is just me and Sis. Though it can't be a party every day I've tried hard to give her that extra attention and love that will help her feel stronger for the next couple of months. This break was a little rough- it started out with Harry's birthday and Sophie got very sick. I didn't get anything done that week because I was so worried about her and overwhelmed with emotions for the week. Shane had left for Irvine for a few days so we just hibernated. I took her in after a couple of days and found out she had the flu (influenza B- not the strain we were immunized against). She had been run down and stuffed up for weeks though and so Dr. Vierra went ahead and put her on antibiotics. After a long wait at the pharmacy I finally got home and went to give her the medicine. I always try to read through the instructions just as a reminder to watch for anything. I had never seen this warning on a antibiotic before. It mentioned a couple of times about heart problems, particularly prolonged QT syndrome (which Harry was never officially diagnosed with but his heart showed signs of). I wasn't sure what I was to do. Even though we all were checked out last May, I carry so much worry about my kids. I worry about all the unknowns and the what ifs. What if the antibiotics I gave him that night triggered all this? What if something was to happen to Soph? I had her sleep with me that night in our bed. It was a very long night and a very long day as I hovered over her. I had so much homework to do and I was tired. Shane got in late and I just lost it on him. Who really is to say what will happen next in our life. Or why. We made it through that week- and a terrible crazy busy two more. Sophie really didn't get out and play much. She was content to be home and I was content to have her. This is her being silly at the grocery store. Shane and I also took her out for a steak dinner and to a Utah Gymnastics Meet. Fun times!

How is it possible that two years have passed... I had such high expectations at one time. I love the idea of a blog- the scrapbooking online format. I love looking at blogs and getting to know people. The connection that the new "social media" ways have brought to busy lives. But when I look back at this blog a lifetime has passed. I wish I had logged every memory, every picture. Quotes and stories. Journaled our family experience, somehow stopped time. But I didn't. And now I don't know if I move forward or go back and try to capture some of these moments. Maybe a little of both. Not that people read this- but maybe I will one day figure out how to make these into books and save these for my kids. So here I go.