Tidal Waves

The hardest thing about high functioning weeks is that when the grief finally hits you, and it always does, it is like a tidal wave and it knocks you right off of your feet. It had been a good week. Got Sophie back to school, kids busy but doing better by all intents. Survived a few crazy days. Worked hard, got my homework done before the weekend. I actually exercised 4 days in a row. Had all those balls in the proverbial air and wasn't dropping them. And then Friday came... I actually was up early, exercised before I even got Soph off, came back, surprised Davin and took him to breakfast before school. Felt like I was being a good mom. And then the heaviness came, wrapping around my heart and squeezing it tight. I left to run to Costco, which is when I usually try to go. As I passed Eastlake my heart was so heavy. I kept thinking, I wish I had to rush back from Costco and get him to school for early day. I wish I was looking back at his goofy grin, wiping pizza off his face (that he had to eat on the road because we were running behind- though he and Max always preferred the tables with the umbrellas). I wish he was climbing out of the truck, me watching every movement and waiting for it. That moment when I would catch his eye and say, "I love you bud. Have a good day." He always, always said he loved me. He almost always looked back. I always waited until he was safe, inside the fence. Many days I stayed and watched him play until they called them in. It is a tidal wave and today I am drowning.